You guys aren’t alone, wow Jaime you voiced my exact thoughts – googling the net is exactly what I’ve just come online to do as I too am scared to have children and had a pretty unpleasant childhood. However I know that by being aware of my childhood situation and how it affected me that I am already ahead of the game in getting closer to (hopefully) getting that feeling of being ready to have kids. Still, that ‘broken warped girl-woman’ is me exactly – at 26 I still feel like a kid even though I married my partner of 7 years just last year, we have a mortgage and he’s keen for kids in the next 2 years – it still often feels like I’m just playing pretend sometimes I think the challenge towards having children or feeling like having them is twofold: you need mental health support and need to be as communicative as possible to your partner about your fears AND get their support in return. Sometimes the biggest fear is worrying what your partner will think of you, isn’t it ‘natural’ for a woman to feel maternal for instance – no it’s not and clearly all of us are in the same boat when it comes to that, so there must be plenty of others out there who feel the same way and in some ways, that is reassuring that we aren’t alone. I’m seeing a counsellor at the moment to resolve these concerns, as some years ago I wanted at least one child before I turned 30 – I still feel that way but my worries (and getting closer to 30!) have not left – so I’m asking for professional support to work it out. Maybe you should consider it. All the very best in your journey, know you have support out there!!

Right now, I’m engaged to a man who wants to have children. Or at least, I think I still am. We had a very painful conversation a couple nights ago over dinner where I told him that I’m not sure if I actually want to have kids someday. After being pushed for better answers, I ran out of valid excuses and finally dropped the bomb that I was afraid of unintentionally becoming the kind of parent that my father was. He was abusive, and even though I would never plan on being an abusive parent, I fully realize that he didn’t start off that way, either. He didn’t want to be the kind of terrible parents that his were, either, but he got worse and worse over the years until my mother actually divorced him recently. I tried to explain it to my fiance, but he was insisting that he would never let me go down that road like my mother gradually let my father do by not standing up to him.

When I was younger, I thought that a switch would flip in my head and I’d suddenly want kids, suddenly be ready, suddenly feel those missing maternal instincts go on autopilot. Some days I feel sure of myself, as if I’ve finally fixed myself and can vaguely imagine a far-off future where I’d be a mother. Most days I’m just the broken, warped girl-woman who cringes and laughs at the idea of trying to be a halfway decent parent. When I was a kid, imagining a decent family was so far from reality that it was like trying to imagine growing up in a different country. If I’ve never had a normal childhood, then how could I create one for someone else?

Well, that was my two cents. I was just very surprised to see someone had written about a situation so similar to mine. I hope you’ve gotten some clarity since you first wrote this post. Best wishes!

…and don’t have any kids until you move to cali. Then we can raise our kids together! My kids will play with yours. lol