Pure-Essence.Net » funny

Good humor, bad ads

pureessence — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 20:41:52 +0000

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 524-0960. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant.

Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress,
but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child.

Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.

Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties.
Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Reasons to go to work naked

pureessence — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 20:36:17 +0000

Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!”
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
“I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
You want to see if it’s like the dream.
So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resumé.
People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.
No one steals your chair.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

pureessence — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 01:51:10 +0000

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice!
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Marijuana”.
Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go”.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”
When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking lot, Yelling “Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!”
Tell Your Children Over Dinner, “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Funny colts' players tweets

pureessence — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 12:03:25 +0000

This is funny if you are a Colts fan like me

Obviously, the title is a joke, but the joke is indeed courtesy of Colts rookie cornerback Jerraud Powers. Like many of us this past Sunday, Colts players Jerraud Powers and Pierre Garcon were watching the Jets play the Bengals in Cincinnati. However, unlike the good old days, when people would call and talk to one another during the course of the game, “Jpeezy25″ and “ShowTimeP85″ decided to use Twitter to talk trash about each other, their Colts teammates, and about other NFL players.

Of course, the winner in all this is us, the fans, because the entertainment value of Pierre Garcon calling Jerraud Powers as slow as Peyton Manning cannot be measured in mere dollars. Just entertainment is priceless. Here is there Twitter conversation from this weekend:

Jpeezy25 how is that a flag….Revis is locking this clown down and they calling some cheap stuff…
ShowTimeP85 Revis holds 95% of the time….don’t be bias
Jpeezy25 agggghhh u WRs these days are babied..we can even touch yall but u can push us all day and dont get calls. Revis is not holding
ShowTimeP85 it goes both ways yall hold we push off
Jpeezy25 Garcon…u cant be serious…i know a guy name Austin Collie…nuff said
ShowTimeP85 lol thats him…I don’t push off..yall be so far off I don’t have to push off…my speed push yall off far enough…
Jpeezy25 haaaa u funny..we can race tomorrow..me and lace the fastest dudes on the team besides Taj
ShowTimeP85 don’t put your money on it…
ShowTimeP85 your about as fast as Peyton…
Jpeezy25 now that was jus disrespectful man…take that back, im hurt
ShowTimeP85 lol…
Jpeezy25 now everybody retweeting that man..haaa

The Twitter party was later joined by Seahawks running back (an former Colts back) Justin Forsett, who was also watching the game. Garcon is quite the Twitter maven, with chatty friends like Redskins linebacker London Fletcher, Bengals defensive tackle Pat Sims, 49ers linebacker Takeo Spikes, Colts cornerback Jacob Lacey, and Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens in his Tweet roll.

Of course, the absolute master of Twitter from the Colts locker room is Raheem Brock. When he’s not Tweeting updates on Dallas Clark doing a cover of “Juicy” he’s posting pictures of the bill at Ruth Chris Steakhouse (Tip to LovinBlue)for the annual rookie d-line dinner. When it comes to Twitter, it is Raheem Brock’s world and the rest of us are loving it! I mean seriously, how can you not love a Colts player who Tweets this after the Patriots lost their first Wild Card Playoff Game under Bill Belichick:

Peace out patriots!nd we have no room on the bandwagon for patriots fans yall can kick rocks….barefoot! Lol bout to study these ravens!

There was also this little Tweet from Brock, made just prior to the Ravens v. Patriots playoff game:

I’m cleanin up the house this morn nd some papers fell on the floor in front of me..my study notes from playn bmore…think its a sign.lol

The hilarity of Powers complaining about Austin Collie pushing off and Raheem Brock telling Patriots fans to kick rocks barefoot all provide the kind of honest, unfiltered dialogue that we fans are often denied. Press conferences are too scripted and locker-room interviews too bland for the access to feel real. Here, on Twitter, the interaction feels real. Sometimes, it can backfire and make you look like a crass, immature fool, like Chris Johnson’s Tweet this weekend did.

Here, it just makes the players seem like human friggin beings, not the mindless, “blah blah blah” stiffs we see plastered all over ESPN and the like.

And while a significant amount of the Tweeting is silly in nature, one constant theme is pushed by the players when they are Tweeting either during or after work:

RaheemBrock Feels good to be working in jan!

ShowTimeP85 Practice…focused
Jpeezy25 Just got to work, preparing for Baltimore…gotta b great this time of year.

Again, hard not to like guys who think and Tweet this way. Go Colts!

BTW, if you want to follow some of the colts players on twitters:
Jerraud Powers: JPeezy25
Raheem Brock: RaheemBrock
Pierre Garcon: ShowtimeP85
Jacob Lacey: YungLace27
Pat McAfee: ThePattyMac

Football and blonde

pureessence — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 11:00:39 +0000

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

‘Oh, I really liked it,’ she replied, ‘especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.’

Dumbfounded, her date asked, ‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like….Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

Tickly Kitty

pureessence — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 01:42:34 +0000

Over 16 millions people have seen this. The world’s cutest kitty.

friend's dream about me

pureessence — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 20:58:55 +0000

Haha this had me in tears. What a dream Kimi

kimi: omg i had the most **** up dream right before i got up this morning
kimi: you were in it and dodo too
kimi: too much p.s.
kimi’s friend (12:36:58 PM): hahaha
kimi: we were at this festival
kimi: they were squirting water on people because it was so hot .. and selling GIANT avacados in vending machines
kimi: and ….
kimi: KITTENS
kimi: in the vending machines
kimi: to EAT
kimi: with the avacados
kimi’s friend: hahaha wtf
kimi: dodo was there on stage with this hot pink set and purple smoke lol
kimi: in this silvery costume and lots of glitter
kimi: singing in chinese a song to “save the kittens”
kimi: and all these pet society characters were dancing with her
kimi: it was in some weird country
kimi’s friend: whoaaa
kimi: you and i were like yeah!!!! save the kittens!!!
kimi: they were all half starved and out of it
kimi: so hot and crammed in the machines
kimi’s friend: HAHAHHAHAH
kimi: the avacados were so beautiful but the kittens were half dead .. all orange and white kittens
kimi: $5 each and i had NO money
kimi’s friend: awwww
kimi: i said “i wish i could buy them with pet society coins” then i woke up
kimi’s friend: LOL
kimi: dodo had a hit song with her kitten song
kimi: i wondered if she would save all the kittens with it
kimi: god it was **** up
kimi: them clawing to get out of the machines
kimi: its still bugging me
kimi: im halving my xanax so im going to start having nightmares :p

Upside down text with CSS

pureessence — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 19:26:34 +0000

It’s actually possible to print text upside down using a simple CSS property and works cross-browser today. The property to use is “text-gravity” with a value of “inverse”.


write upside down text

… and this is the result:
ʇxǝʇ uʍop ǝpısdn ǝʇıɹʍ

I’m really surprised to learn that so few people know about this property, and I recommend you to continue reading the W3C specification of text-gravity.

Update: Sorry, I lied The above is done with a UTF-8 character generator (see the link the the “specification” above). Amazingly, you can find that most characters have their upside down equivalent somewhere else in the huge Unicode alphabet. Neat trick Here’s another site that does the same thing.

Plane crash is nothing when…

pureessence — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 14:56:53 +0000

ICHC selection

pureessence — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 20:17:31 +0000

Brought to you by ichc.com