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dressed up bus
October 31st, 2001
when i got on the bus, i saw one of the city buses is fully decorated and the bus driver dressed up as a big fat chicken. i can’t believe my eyes. a human size witch with her broom is at the fron to the bus, words written on the windows and in the back was the tail of the broom and this weird looking latern. i don’t know what it was for exactly. my bus driver dressed up as an angel and is giving out candies. unfortunately candies are not my things. but that was the biggest dress up i’ve seen the entire day.
celebrating halloween?
October 31st, 2001
do you have special plans for halloween tonite? andy and i are going to his mom to take pictures of his mom’s dog dressed up. it will be so cute. i will have to share those pictures tonite. how about you?
simply ridiculous
October 29th, 2001
DodoZhang21: hi sis
that slygirl: Hey, how’s it going?
DodoZhang21: can i ask you a question
DodoZhang21: you read my blog pretty frequent right?
that slygirl: Sometimes. I did read it today.
that slygirl: You are exercising, good for you :-)
DodoZhang21: do you think i show signs of depression or turning to depression?
that slygirl: Well, I think when you were still in high school you were more prone to depression. But now you are in college and have gained more independence, and you have Andy, you show fewer signs of it. Although sometimes I think you cover it up…you go to the ‘net to escape reality, no? But I do not think you are as depressed as say, Athena…
DodoZhang21: hi bobbi
BobbiSays: hello! :-)
DodoZhang21: can i ask you a question?
BobbiSays: okay
DodoZhang21: by reading my blog, do you think i’m showing signs of depression or turning to a depression?
BobbiSays: I don’t think so… I think that everyone goes through really depressed states once in awhile. But it’s usually temporary.
DodoZhang21: hi jackie
DodoZhang21: how are you?
BlueShampoo: Hi Dodo :-)
DodoZhang21: can i ask you a question?
BlueShampoo: I am doing good, how are you?
BlueShampoo: Sure
DodoZhang21: you read my blog pretty often right?
BlueShampoo: Yes
DodoZhang21: do you think i show signs of depression or turning to depression?
BlueShampoo: Not really. I know somethings were getting you down, though
DodoZhang21: what is that?
BlueShampoo: I know you have Andy, who seems great,
BlueShampoo: Your mom and
BlueShampoo: feeling uninspired
BlueShampoo: But I think you’re okay,
BlueShampoo: What do you think?
DodoZhang21: yes, do you sometimes feel uninspired?
BlueShampoo: Yes I do
BlueShampoo: Then after a while
BlueShampoo: I feel better, usually
BlueShampoo: Yesterday I felt so sad, for no real reson
BlueShampoo: then I took a nap and my friend Nathaniel called so I am okay
DodoZhang21: would you consider to have such feelings kinda normal?
DodoZhang21: like once in a while?
BlueShampoo: Once in a while yes. Not often though
DodoZhang21: hi sis
DodoZhang21: can i ask you a question
DayNah MN: yea what’s up?
DodoZhang21: do i show signs of depression or turning into depression?
DayNah MN: well
DayNah MN: i think u manage to keep yourself occupied
DayNah MN: so u don’t have to think about those sad things…
DayNah MN: i did the same..
DayNah MN: it’s when u keep thinking about them..
DayNah MN: that u fall into depression
Am I depressed? *pointing at my nose, looks stunned, shakes head* Do I have a problem which is potential to turn into something big? *shakes head* Am I denying? *totally confused* Why is that the person who’s supposedly most intimate with me tell me to seek counseling? I felt like nocking my head on the wall. Am I hearing stuff correct? HUH HUH HUH?????! I felt my pride was completely attacked without warning. I was sad beyond words. I was absolutely fine minutes ago. Is this supposedly helping me to FEEL BETTER AND HAPPIER? OH MAN, i must be showing signs of depression again. one question tho, logically if i had no problem pulling myself from suicidal attempts like four years ago and now that my life is doing so much better, i would go into bad depression in the future? that doesn’t make sense to me, does it to you? does that mean i will have the potential to drop out of school? or the potential to be fired at work if i don’t seek professional help? if it’s not so, is it that i would have horrible difficulties in my love relationship or family relationship or… hmm… what else? so how severe is it going to be if i don’t seek counseling.
andy’s argument – a person who’s intelligent as his brother doesn’t even know better when it was happening. ok, so no matter how smart you are, you might have potential problems. so watch out. these protential problems are shown in your complaints of your parents’ fights, your feeling uninspired (for what i remember only once).. what else? hmm.. the fact that i talked about my sad memory in the family.
am i escaping from reality? hmm.. maybe, but am i feeling happy and normal? *nods* do i feel comfortable talking to friends about my problems? *nods* do i have friends? *nods* do i have hope? *nods* do i feel love? *nods* do i love others? *nods* so what keeps me up all night? my creativity for web design? – my creative writing class teacher tells me he does the same when he has ideas to write. and why i feel tired waking up in the morning? hmm don’t i always feel like that ever since i remembered waking in the morning? so are these signs of turning to depression?! i don’t think so, do you? and yet andy tells me i have problem? it’s not a big problem and yet i need to seek counseling.
i cried.
1. coz the person who i expect to know me the best would try to convince me that i should seek professional help because of reasons given by people who don’t know me as much.
2. my pride has been attacked
3. it’s the first time i have to realize what others always tell me is true that: there would always be a difference between chinese and american cultures. from his definition, 99% asians probably are depressed. and yet we do the best in school and career. isn’t that weird?
4. everything was said tonite left a sour waste in my mouth. i hate when stupid things like this ruin my mood. and it’s out of nowhere too.
but guess what? i will continue to show my signs of depression and also my signs of happiness. wether you believe that’s good or bad signs don’t really matter to me. just like many other times in my life, i’m in charge of my own life and i know who i am and what i am doing.
jogging
October 27th, 2001
i was soly impressed by myself. i jogged almost 30 minutes straight for 3 miles. i paced myself well. i didn’t feel that tired after i’m done. it’s a great feeling. i did 60 setups afterwards and that ended my first exercising nite. we will do this very friday now.. i’m looking forward to it.
asian abuse is only a week old. the words have already been spread around all over the place. it’s the sad truth. since i’m still involved in the horrible situation. i tend to force myself not to think about it too much. i thought i took a step forward from what was holding me back. now i feel comfortable talking about it. i will probably let up the ugliest moments of my life out. i intend to join the blog.
i hope we can do more than just vent. perhaps to form an organization to save more victims.. sigh…
my day went well :)
October 24th, 2001
so as you guessed, i didn’t get enough sleep when i woke up this morning and my back hurt. i didn’t want to go to class. at first i begged andy to stay home with me. he did =P but then i had this wild idea to have him go to class with me. again he agreed.
by the time we entered computer science lecture, the auditorium was half full. We sat down next to my friend Paul. There I found out Paul got 100 on his first exam. Grrr.. I just don’t understand how can people always get 100 on their tests! I ALWAYS miss a point or two due to STUPID mistakes even I knew everything. >< I only got 97. Lecture probably bored andy quite bit since we were talking about recursion. I peeked at him from time to time. Fortunately he didn't fall asleep. Actually he attempted to voltunteer for an experiment in the class.
The most fun part of the day was when I had an appointment with my creative writing teacher an hour ago. I couldn’t believe how much I told him about myself. Even though we focused mainly on my writings, it was fun telling him about my family life. He just finished a novel based on his childhood and trying to get it published. I always believed writing is an incredibly hard career to go with. With a degree from law school, he still decided to pursue his pure passion. That’s so admirable!
When I came home after the appointment, my father had a total surprise waiting for me. He brought a drilled duck from a local Chinese store. I thought we can only obtain those kind ducks in big city like Chicago. Hehe it tasted so good. Hmm.. andy would LOVE it when he gets back. I just can’t wait to see andy’s expression when he sees the duck! YUM!
cd
October 19th, 2001
can you believe i never burned a music cd for myself after getting my cd burner for so long? i will make one tonite. what are your favorite songs? i found dido’s “best day of my life” finally.. i really like that song. others will be from coco lee, probably one or two michael jackson’s old songs. they are so excellent =)
suggestions.. jackie’s on her cam look =) man i need a better cam!
thursday
October 18th, 2001
i finally got my cs project finished yay!! now i can generate 3d objects with my code. they are so cool! =) i will have to get a head start on the generator functions. but i’m stuck with a bunch homework this weekend grr. ><
i hope everyone’s having a better weekend than i will be.. halloween is coming so soon, what’s your plan? andy told me he will make me celebrate halloween this year since i never had any celebration on this holiday even i’ve been to the US for 7 years. hmm.. i wish i can find a pink bunny custome.. but it will be so hard to find a cute one.. they don’t make cute custome for adults now.. why? where do you usu. get your customes?
design job
October 12th, 2001
just like i expected, another trying to get too much free work:
===========================
From: “Joanna Johnson”
To: dodo_zhang@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: done
Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2001 17:13:28 -0700
Dodo,
You can guarantee I will purchase from you. However, it is a big amount of money coming from my wallet, and I will pay as much as you think you deserve. But I want the design to be absolutely perfect. The particular design you are making for me looks very nice, but not exactly how I have envisioned. I am sorry I did not tell you until after you created it. I hope you understand that I will be very picky about different things. I am serious about this entire project and I know you are too..
The design you created for me is how I was hoping, but over the course of the last few hours, I have surfed other sites and found some other designs and ideas that I like. If we could start from scratch with the design, I would very grateful.
Please reply and tell me what you think.
-Joanna
==========
my reply
==========
I’m sorry to tell you that I’ve had very bad experience from previous projects. I could never satisfy my client because they constantly change on me. I did all those work without even earning a penny. I did four layouts for them, nothing seems to fit, until i figured i’m the stupid one who’s doing free work for nothing. So I will not do any more designs for you from scratch unless you will pay for the work I start with which means I will start working on a new project when I receive half of what you promised to pay for the entire project.
So if you want to forget about the last project, it IS possible for us to start a new project. But not the same way I did the last time.
We will follow these steps
First tell me what you want
- i need to know the exact color, font for the title
- photographs on the design (better if you provide, if not, i need a detailed description of what the photograph will be like)
- examples of other graphics
- background color
- how big should the title image be
I will think about the requirements and tell you whether I can handle it and give you a price, I think it should be around $40 like before.
Then we can start the project and that means NO MORE change on main theme of the design and I will need to receive the first half of payment to get started.
I will do minor modifications to fit your need for the final design. You can pay me the other half before the final design is sent to you.
That’s all. Other than that, I don’t think I want to take the job.
what else, take a look at this!
sorry
October 10th, 2001
i dont mean to disappoint you all. i just feel physically and mentally exhausted these days. the girl who asked me to install a board for her 4 months ago finally got half of checks sent in. she spilt the cost among 4 different people, goodness.. it took them 4 months to get three of these checks in. installing a board for her is probably the only online activity i will have this week. i suppose i’m also distressed about the upcoming exam in that art history class. i really don’t feel confident about that exam. yeah i know that’s not like me. i think taking classes i don’t enjoy really bothers me. andy suggested me the possiblity of stopping a year or a semeter in my university and just take the general education courses in the community college with him. i will have to explore the possibility of doing that. maybe that will help me out a bit.
btw.. my mood fluctuate during the day.. usu. morning is the worest.. that’s when i write my blog… ><
uninspired
October 9th, 2001
feeling uninspired and listless is not a good thing. unfortunately that’s how i feel like right now. nothing seems to excite me and i fear all my works. i don’t want to go to classes and i don’t want to do my homework. i feel like trapped in my little world and feeling sleepy and tired.
yesterday i found another girl collecting and redistributing my horoscope kaos. i was so distressed. i feel like i can do nothin to stop ppl from stealing my works. i wrote her an email and it got returned today. her email addy is invalid. i signed her book but it’s up to her to read it or not >< i want to cry… i’m just totally spaced out right now… and don’t know where i am… i need someone to pull me out!!!!!!! arrrr… i feel like falling into the greatest and deepest black well….
