I Used To Believe

I didn’t write these. These are written by people over all the world from iusedtobelieve.com. I only picked the ones I find amusing/funny/cute to be displayed here.

“My mom used to send me out with a little paintbrush and some special solution, and I would paint the outside of the house, to protect it from winter (we lived in a trailer). It was a very important job. Years later she admitted it was plain water.”

“when I was about 6 or 7 yrs old I used to believe a little penguin lived in my refrigerator and his job was to turn the interior light on and off. I would sit and open the fridge repeatedly trying to catch him in the act. Boy, what a dork I was.”

“When we were young, my brother and I believed that the vacuum cleaner must get terribly thirsty because of all the dust it picked up. We sucked up a pint of coke to quench its thirst. Our mum wasn’t impressed next time she tried to clean…”

“when i was younger i was scared of a bust statue of mozart that we had in our living room. i always thought that it was watching me. i would turn it around so that it wasn’t looking at me. my sister knew it bothered me so she would turn it back around when i wasn’t looking. that really freaked me out! (thanks heather) ”

“I dug a hole in my backyard as a kid and found some shards of old broken dishware. I honestly believed that this is what people meant when they spoke of “digging a hole to China” and assumed I had done so.”

“I used to believe wall-to-wall carpeting meant the walls were carpeted too. I was so disappointed when we first had our house wall-to-wall carpeted and the walls looked exactly the same.”

Don’t know what elbow grease is? read this o_O
“I used to think that “elbow grease” was an actual product of kitchen or surface cleaner.”

“When I was four my mom was pregnant with my little sister. Strangely, I kept mixing up the word “pregnant” and “retarded.” Once when I went with my mom to the doctor’s office for a prenatal checkup I met two ladies who asked me why I was there. I replied that it was because my mom was retarded.”

“I used to believe that if you had sex underwater you would give birth to a mermaid.” – so cute!

“When I was a nipper on Sunday mornings, in time honoured fashion, I would burst into my parents room and annoy the hell out of them. One day, I noticed these rubber tubes lying by my old man’s bedside table and asked him what they were. “special elasoplasts for Daddies who have hurt their fingers at work…” He replied with a straight face…For many long years, every time I cut a finger, I begged for one of these special elastoplasts …alas they were only for Daddies.”

“My neice and her little friends thought the word lesbian meant that you were sexy. They walked around for days hollering “hey lesbian, you’re looking really lesbian today” Finally the found out the truth after telling a teacher that she was “very lesbian”.”

“When I was a wee one in grade school, I thought a blow job was when someone would blow into another person’s ear. So did all of my friends. So one night when my parents were going to take us to the movies and let us sit with our friends so we could be “cool” and not have parents with us while they went to a grownup movie, my mom told us “Now, I don’t want you to sit in the back!” I said “Yah! Cause that’s where everybody is giving each other blowjobs!” The look on her face was truly memorable. She asked us what we thought a blow job was. When we told her, she said that wasn’t it. When we asked her what it WAS then, she said we’d have to ask our dad. The look on HIS face when we swarmed him as he got home from work yelling “Dad! Dad! What’s a blowjob? Mom said you’d tell us!” was even better. But bless the man, he managed to explain it to us without blushing too much, including the follow up questions. We all agreed that it was pretty dang gross!”

“My sister used to believe that being a virgin meant you had sex. She was horrified that my father thought she was a “virgin” as a young teen. My father was equally horrified that she was insisting she was not a virgin. This painful discussion went on until I figured out she had it backwards and let them both know.”

“When I was about 8 my older sister told me that they had caught a boy in their class “playing with himself” (I had NO clue what this meant and assumed the kid had no friends). The she tells me that from then on they called him “Masterbater”. Still clueless,I heard this as Master Bater and assumed he was a rich kid with no friends. For years had this image of a Master Bater who was very dapper, well-dressed with a top hat, cane, and shiny black shoes, and couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to play with him too!”

“When I was around 10 or 11, a friend told me he was going to get a “piece of ass”. At the time, I was horrified, thinking somehow that you stuck a spoon in a girl’s rectum and got a piece of it. When he asked me if I wanted him to get one for me too, not wanting to seem uncool, I replied, “not today.””

“When I was around 5 I heard the term “blow job”. I quickly asked my father what that was. He responded “It’s when a woman blow dries her hair” A year or so later, we’re getting ready to leave for mass. Dad asks me what was keeping mom. My response was “she’s in the bathroom giving a blow job”. He then asked me where I learned that phrase from.”

“my little brother asked me if our mum was a virgin. When I told him no of course not, he acted like he had known all along. But a couple of minutes later, he asked me if our dad was.”

“I used to think that spam was semen so I was very confused when people talked about buying it in tins.”

“When I was a child, my mother referred to vaginas and penises as “pee-ers”. You use it to pee, therefore, it is a pee-er! I truly believed that this was the technical term for them. It took years for me to understand that she only called them that since peeing is what they are used for. Imagine my dismay when I started school and heard my teachers talking about being nice when playing with your peers.”

“My folks tell me that when I was a youngster of two or three, I came into a room full of guests and announced that my vagina itched. I am (and was) a male.”

“One morning upon waking up in my parent’s bed (I was about 2), I gleefully pulled my pants down and showed my mother my penis. “That’s my penis! Show me yours!” I was nearly catatonic when my mother explained to me she didn’t have one.”

“When my brother was 4 years old he asked my Mother if penises have bones in them. My Mother said, “I don’t think so Honey.” And my brother said, “I think they do Mom, and I think when they do it’s called satisfaction!””

“When I was 7 years old I found some pads under the bathroom counter. I thought they were knee pads. All the neighbors had a good laugh to see me riding my bike up and down the street with sanitary napkins stuck to my knees and elbows.”

“When was about 7 years old, my family went to sizzler and my mom let me go to the bathroom by myself. I found an empty tampax carboard tube on the floor. I had never seen one before. So I brought it out to the table announcing that I had found a “telescope” in the bathroom. My grandmother (having never used tampons apparently) didn’t see what the problem was about me playing with this object. my mother and sister were mortified! I still laugh (and am grossed out) about this incident to this day!”

“I used to think my mother’s tampons were air fresheners (she wore the deodorant kind) and would hang them in my barbie’s house. My poor mom found them once and was completely shocked! Poor woman, seeing her tampons (unused of course) hanging all over the place!”

“My kids seen my maxi pads and now they think I wear Pampers now they call me Pamper lady!!”

“I was about 10 years old and I used to believe that ‘rape’ was simply ripping peoples clothes. Imagine the shock for my teacher when for an exercise in English I wrote the sentence “The dog raped the postman”. I thought I was being extremely clever.”

“Until a few years ago, I believed this was a “doggy dog” world, rather than a “dog-eat-dog” world.”

“I used to believe that after the number “ten” came the numbers “tendy-one, tendy-two…” etc.”

“At the age of four I believed I was soooo smart. I spoke TWO languages…English AND American!”

“After a very confusing explanation of sex and reproduction from my older brother (he was 11 and I was 9) I was convinced that babies could come out of your bum at any time. Therefore it was essential to check the toilet pan for babies before flushing.”

“When I was a KID (5 OR 6yo) I thought the reason we had to use the toliet was to feed the fish that we flushed.”

“I used to believe that toilets were actually for washing your feet, until I climbed in to do so and got stuck! When I tried to get out I kept hitting the flush handle and the water rose up to my armpits! My brothers heard me screaming and decided it was more fun to watch me struggle in the bowl than to take me out.”

“My sister was about six or seven when my mother took up both out to Seaport Village in San Diego. It has some lovely wishing fountains. My sister and I both wanted to throw a penny in the fountain but my mother only had one. My sister every so quietly opened my mother’s purse and pulled out her check book.
“That’s okay mom,” she said, “You can just write a check.””

4 thoughts on “I Used To Believe

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