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Archive for October 29th, 2001

simply ridiculous

October 29th, 2001

Filed under:

personal

at 11:37pm

DodoZhang21: hi sis

that slygirl: Hey, how’s it going?

DodoZhang21: can i ask you a question

DodoZhang21: you read my blog pretty frequent right?

that slygirl: Sometimes. I did read it today.

that slygirl: You are exercising, good for you :-)

DodoZhang21: do you think i show signs of depression or turning to depression?

that slygirl: Well, I think when you were still in high school you were more prone to depression. But now you are in college and have gained more independence, and you have Andy, you show fewer signs of it. Although sometimes I think you cover it up…you go to the ‘net to escape reality, no? But I do not think you are as depressed as say, Athena…

DodoZhang21: hi bobbi

BobbiSays: hello! :-)

DodoZhang21: can i ask you a question?

BobbiSays: okay

DodoZhang21: by reading my blog, do you think i’m showing signs of depression or turning to a depression?

BobbiSays: I don’t think so… I think that everyone goes through really depressed states once in awhile. But it’s usually temporary.

DodoZhang21: hi jackie

DodoZhang21: how are you?

BlueShampoo: Hi Dodo :-)

DodoZhang21: can i ask you a question?

BlueShampoo: I am doing good, how are you?

BlueShampoo: Sure

DodoZhang21: you read my blog pretty often right?

BlueShampoo: Yes

DodoZhang21: do you think i show signs of depression or turning to depression?

BlueShampoo: Not really. I know somethings were getting you down, though

DodoZhang21: what is that?

BlueShampoo: I know you have Andy, who seems great,

BlueShampoo: Your mom and

BlueShampoo: feeling uninspired

BlueShampoo: But I think you’re okay,

BlueShampoo: What do you think?

DodoZhang21: yes, do you sometimes feel uninspired?

BlueShampoo: Yes I do

BlueShampoo: Then after a while

BlueShampoo: I feel better, usually

BlueShampoo: Yesterday I felt so sad, for no real reson

BlueShampoo: then I took a nap and my friend Nathaniel called so I am okay

DodoZhang21: would you consider to have such feelings kinda normal?

DodoZhang21: like once in a while?

BlueShampoo: Once in a while yes. Not often though

DodoZhang21: hi sis

DodoZhang21: can i ask you a question

DayNah MN: yea what’s up?

DodoZhang21: do i show signs of depression or turning into depression?

DayNah MN: well

DayNah MN: i think u manage to keep yourself occupied

DayNah MN: so u don’t have to think about those sad things…

DayNah MN: i did the same..

DayNah MN: it’s when u keep thinking about them..

DayNah MN: that u fall into depression

Am I depressed? *pointing at my nose, looks stunned, shakes head* Do I have a problem which is potential to turn into something big? *shakes head* Am I denying? *totally confused* Why is that the person who’s supposedly most intimate with me tell me to seek counseling? I felt like nocking my head on the wall. Am I hearing stuff correct? HUH HUH HUH?????! I felt my pride was completely attacked without warning. I was sad beyond words. I was absolutely fine minutes ago. Is this supposedly helping me to FEEL BETTER AND HAPPIER? OH MAN, i must be showing signs of depression again. one question tho, logically if i had no problem pulling myself from suicidal attempts like four years ago and now that my life is doing so much better, i would go into bad depression in the future? that doesn’t make sense to me, does it to you? does that mean i will have the potential to drop out of school? or the potential to be fired at work if i don’t seek professional help? if it’s not so, is it that i would have horrible difficulties in my love relationship or family relationship or… hmm… what else? so how severe is it going to be if i don’t seek counseling.

andy’s argument - a person who’s intelligent as his brother doesn’t even know better when it was happening. ok, so no matter how smart you are, you might have potential problems. so watch out. these protential problems are shown in your complaints of your parents’ fights, your feeling uninspired (for what i remember only once).. what else? hmm.. the fact that i talked about my sad memory in the family.

am i escaping from reality? hmm.. maybe, but am i feeling happy and normal? *nods* do i feel comfortable talking to friends about my problems? *nods* do i have friends? *nods* do i have hope? *nods* do i feel love? *nods* do i love others? *nods* so what keeps me up all night? my creativity for web design? - my creative writing class teacher tells me he does the same when he has ideas to write. and why i feel tired waking up in the morning? hmm don’t i always feel like that ever since i remembered waking in the morning? so are these signs of turning to depression?! i don’t think so, do you? and yet andy tells me i have problem? it’s not a big problem and yet i need to seek counseling.

i cried.

1. coz the person who i expect to know me the best would try to convince me that i should seek professional help because of reasons given by people who don’t know me as much.

2. my pride has been attacked

3. it’s the first time i have to realize what others always tell me is true that: there would always be a difference between chinese and american cultures. from his definition, 99% asians probably are depressed. and yet we do the best in school and career. isn’t that weird?

4. everything was said tonite left a sour waste in my mouth. i hate when stupid things like this ruin my mood. and it’s out of nowhere too.

but guess what? i will continue to show my signs of depression and also my signs of happiness. wether you believe that’s good or bad signs don’t really matter to me. just like many other times in my life, i’m in charge of my own life and i know who i am and what i am doing.

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