love n family

why can’t i stop dreaming?

i’ve been crying a lot lately. i don’t even know why sometimes. yesterday i missed andy terribly at school. i was walking under the sun back and forth trying to decide whether i wanted to skip a class to take a bus to see andy. i finally decided not to. i wanted to call him just to say i missed him but i never did it. trying to reach him at kfc is so hard. no one ever seems to pick up the phone. it would just make me more sad if i called. it’s been a LONG time since he visited me at school. we used to walk along the river in a beautiful day like yesterday. every time i think about that, i feel so selfish. andy’s been working so hard day and nite for our future and i’m here trying to grasp dreamy romance – something so unrealistic. i take away a lot of his resting time at nite too.. just so i feel less lonely. i want to keep him awake.. isn’t that selfish? but

there isn’t anyone around me i can truly talk about my feelings with.. it’s so childish.. who would listen? jeez i’m 21 not 16.. how come i still can’t let it go? what is my problem? so i cried and cried.. every time i listen to a love song, it makes me cry. i want time to go back.. i want to dream again.. why is andy always so busy and so tired once he hits the pillow? and who am i to tell my true feelings? i used to have couple friends on icq who followed my love story as much as i did. i took them for granted LOL i stopped contacting them after i broke up with rongrong. now i have no one.. so stupid.. i’ve been searching for them on icq these days LOL talking to strange males i found with the search function. man, they are so mundane. one of them claimed to know the way of fixing a broken heart. i only asked him three questions and he never responded again, hahahaha, LMAO..

i read my old diary again and cried. i stayed up til 4am.. i don’t know where my other hand written diaries are. andy probably put them in storage or something when he moved. i wasn’t there or i’d keep them with me. andy said i must have mental problems coz i’m constantly dwelling in my past. i probably do. last nite when i told him i was missing him at school.. he cried.. he said he thought i was too preoccupied by my past and had no time for him. and yet just earlier of the day, he bought me some gifts and a card telling me how he wants to be part of my future. how silly! he can be so eagarly want to be part of my future while thinking i had no room for him in my mind. i think he has mental problems too LOL. life is so funny.. sometimes i just want to laugh as much as i want to cry.. and want to leave with a smile on my face… i do believe i’ve already gotten everything i ever wanted from life.. so if i’d die today, i don’t think i would have any regrets. andy said maybe i’d like want to be a wife and a mother… i can’t imagine how a selfish person like me can be a wife or a mother.. it’s a lot of pressure for me when he said he’d like to be a father all his life. he’s such a nice guy. so much better than i am. i don’t think i’m good enough for him you know.. i can never think of life as simple as he does… he has so many more virtue than i ever can have…

i downloaded the ending song of meteor garden and i almost laughed out loud when i heard the lyric… it said “i understand, the love i want would spoil me. like a child, i only know how to act like a brat in your arms.” LOL that’s so true…

my eyes are all swollen now for crying too much last nite.. and i’m finally writing these down.. i’ve been thinking about it for so long.. i forgot sometimes that this is my journal and i should be able to write down whatever that’s on my mind whether it’s ridiculous or not. instead of just acting as if i was all perfect.. that’s so dumb.

15 thoughts on “why can’t i stop dreaming?

  1. *hugggie* there there dodo…

    it may be one of those times of feeling lonely, wihle physically not really lonely…? i don’t know

    but yes, andy works very hard for a future for you two ^____^

    but you know what i think you guys need?

    dinner 🙂

    the next evening andy takes a day off, take him out to dinner ^___^ the both of you guys dine in town 🙂 paint the city red– as people like to say ^___^ dress up real fancy, and just spend some time together?

    but if you guys don’t want to paint the town red XD lol, just spend a nice evening out in the city, look at the city lights 🙂

    *pat pat* take care dodo… we’re all selfish one time or another, it’s expectable 🙂 we are humans aren’t we? heehe ^____^

  2. comment
    Shang-hai
    I heard that you were in Shang-hai,
    So I went to looking for you.
    The city was so big, with skyscrapers like forests.
    People of ocean flood the countless streets.
    Buses, cars, bicycles race to find their ways.
    I was lost in the crowds, where were you?
    Suddenly I remembered, that you must had gone shopping.
    So I went from store to store, a street after street
    I waited at the door of the biggest supermarket.
    Still you did not show up.
    I walked to the beach, watching foreigners passing by,
    Suddenly, I saw you, stood by a cherry tree,
    I sneak behind you, tap on your shoulder
    You slowly turned, while I was holding the biggest smile,
    It was not you.

  3. Hello. Aww. I am so sorry. I wish I could do something. Age doesn’t matter. You feel the pain and loneliness like everyone does. Everyone feels this regardless of their age. We ALL need someone to talk. Regardless of our age. Long distance relationships are hard, very hard. But if you stick through them you will only be stronger in the end. But I do think your boyfriend should make time for you. I know he works but if he loves you he should see you even if he is drop dead tired. You do not have mental problems. You are NOT selfish. If you ever need anyone I am always here. You can instant message me here: adriannaNESS. I love you a lot (as a friend of course) and admire you. Cheer up. Everything does get better. Have a nice day and please try to stop crying.

  4. Awwww. I read your Dodo’s Star. You are very good in Chinese. =) Be proud. I think I won’t be able to understand how you feel right now because I never had a boyfriend. But I guess, love is just like what you said – when you miss someone, you may wanting to see him VERY MUCH, when you see him, you get this weird feelings. =) Good luck with Andy. 😉 I hope you two can stay forever.

    btw, I love Meteor Garden 1. But I think 1 is better than 2. What do you think?

  5. Hi, my name is Mayrie. Actually I think you don´t have to cry, it´s not necessary cause you know soon or later you are going to see him. There are lots of times I miss my boyf, but what you have to do is to have a little of patience. But is nice that you really care for him and think of him all time. It´s sooooo romantic girl!. And you aren´t childish, I am like you sometimes and haha, I just laugh when I think that I cry for stupid things.

  6. Awww dodo, I know what you mean. Sometimes, I think I’m selfish too.

    For some strange reason, I can really sympthasize with you about that. There are often times when I just want Ken to be there and by my side, because I really enjoy his prescence, even when he’s busy with homework or something. I would keep bothering him with IMs and stuff.

    Sigh.

    But dodo, just know that you’re the only one that feels that way 😀

    well, hope u and andy can have a nice night out together ^^

  7. Aww, luvvie. Don’t feel so sad. It sounds like you have been living in your past a lot. It’s OK to do it from time to time, but if it hurts you or stops you from living for your future, then is it really worth it? If you keep looking back at old romantic times, you may miss out on new romantic times when they come. But it’s all right to cry. You’re a girl. Crying is what we do best. It shows you have a heart, that you have compassion and that you can feel both the love and the loneliness carried in the wind. Cry until you have no more tears left. Then the void remaining can be filled with love and hope.

  8. hi dodo! 🙂 *hugs* everyone’s selfish … so it’s ok to be selfish. i’m sure there are many other people (like your offline and online friends) who will listen to your feelings if you would just decide to tell them. i think that missing andy so much jus proves you love him a lot. 🙂 so it’s ok to miss him. and crying would definetly make you feel better … at least it does to me. =^__^= and it doesn’t matter if you *think* you’re not good enough for him … as long as you two love each other, that’s perfect. 😀
    and no one’s perfect! so cheer up dodo! 🙂

  9. It okay 🙂 I feel that way sometimes to like you would just want to step out of reality for a bit but realize you can’t because life isn’t supposed to be a fairy tale. Also, no matter how old you are you are allowed to rant on these things and as long as you have a blog you have someone to talk about it to 🙂

  10. age doesn’t matter, i’m older than you and sometimes i feel that way too 😦 life sometimes is so complicated, is not bad to be dwelling about past a lot…i believe is part of the human nature, we tend to do that sometimes when things in our present doesn’t seems as nice and dreamy in the way that we wanted to be, just perfect…btw, people should see his past and try to learn for the better about past mistakes and situations…you’re not alone, you’re a strong woman, filled with special dreams about life, love and romance…i can’t read chinese but i’m very sure from the heart that your chinese poems shoulb be beautiful, since the charisma and personality you have is so kind and tender…well i better should go since is late in here, but i want to express how i feel about you,and believe or not i do cara about you, truly, even if we doesn’t have the time or chance for being closer…but i willbe extremelly happy if you give us a chance for know better each other and get closer and maybe in some future call ecah other as “friends”, if you want to add me to your MSN: baby_angel_march@hotmail.com sometimes i spend sleppless nights sufferinf and surfing in the net, i would love to chat wiht you someday…
    God bless you and Andy and please take care…

  11. aaaah dodo ur such a baby! :p it’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to cry sometimes, but dwelling in your past is definitely not a good idea!! i’ve been there way too long, and it didn’t take me anywhere. the past is the past. it might be different for everybody but i personally think we’re all better of leaving it behind, and focusing on what’s ahead of us. everytime i ever think about my past i feel like killing myself, but then i realize that i’m passed that, i’m a different person now and a lot has changed for the better. so hang in there dodo.. ur lucky to have andy with you.. i have no one right now.. and sometimes i have to sleep 2hrs a day to make sure i have something to eat for the next month… cheer up cry baby! 🙂

  12. sorry if i sound a bit rough down there.. it’s just a guy’s perspective.. and btw if you need to talk to someone you know where to find me.. i usually keep my aim on when i’m in my room… 😀

  13. I completely understand how you feel sis. I often daydream about the past and wish things could be the same. I miss how simple things were sometimes, seeing Eric in the computer lab, going to anime club together, us spending time together every weds after class, and going to church together every sunday. Now I’m lucky to see him 2 or 3 times a month. Sometimes I miss him so much, it hurts. It was so much simpler back then too, but I realize that I was too selfish to enjoy and embrace the fun times we had together. I was too upset over what was going on at home, worring if Eric would be like my past relationships and break my heart…

    This past week when I went to visit him, I was so selfish. He had a bad day at class and I was upset because he had a picture of everyone important to him on his desk… even his roomate and fiance… but not one of me! I was also helping him make a website and after seeing one of his old site, i noticed he had a page on his ex… I asked him if he’d make a page for me, and he said he wouldn’t know what to write. But I kept it bottled inside for a few days and I finally said “but you had one of your last girlfriend, why not me?” Well all of this came out at once, after he had a horrible day at class and no sleep. He got really upset and started crying cause he thought I thought he was a big jerk… when really, I was holding so many things in for so long… I thought they weren’t important, but I kept dwelling on them… and boom! The reason why he doesn’t have a picture of me, was because I didn’t give him one that was “frame-worthy”. It’s the one I used in my stolen heart theme on my blog. It’s not a very good one. We have tons and tons of digital pics but the only good pictures I have of him and I are cosplay pictures. Also, he told me that his ex typed up that page about her so he would have one… and I’m like “Oh, well that defeats the purpose then.”

    I’ve realized that it’s harder to make things simpler after feelings get deeper and you’re together longer, thinking about your futures. Eric and I talk about it a lot… like what his future house would look like, and it always includes me. I think about being a wife and a mommy someday, but I wonder if I’d be able to make a good one… I mean, I feel very selfish too. So I understand completely. I mean, if we did end up getting married one day, it wouldn’t be for years, so I suppose I have plenty of time to grow up… but I don’t want to…. you know? Hehe.

    *hugs* I hope you feel better soon sis. =)

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