the never ending drama, predicament and grief with my parents

yes it got me involved yet ONCE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!!!! i’ve been living on my own for over four years!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i wrote the following email to andy’s family……………

Hi all, since you are family now, I just want to let you about the biggest grief in my life and the unavoidable predicament I might continue to need to face the rest of my life – my parents. You are not obligated to read this. I just thought since my dad is living with us again, I owe you an explanation on the situation.

I can go on and on about my parents, the whole history can be written into a novel but that’s not my goal here. I’m sure you all have a brief idea as why I am cutting off contacts of any means from my mom. As for my dad, I do not hope I will have to do the same to him in the future but it’s getting harder and harder. The more I go through tough situations with him, the more I realize how selfish, immature and uncaring he is.

Last December, when the court filed the restringing order against him toward my mom, he came and lived with us because he had no place to go. We originally thought it was going to be a few weeks but it turned out to be four (or was it six?) months. The experience was completely dreadful toward the end. At the beginning we were happy and completely inviting. We thought we were going to have fun. Then one day when we took him out to the Lindale Mall, after knowing we wanted to eat at the Bishop Buffet, he refused to eat there. He said he hates American food and wanted to eat at a burger place (excuse me for the irony – i thought burger is THE american food. in truth, he just did not want to spend a lot of money). I said it was Friday night and I wanted go somewhere nicer to eat. We settled at a *fast food* Chinese restaurant but he was extremely unhappy and behaved in such a selfish and immature way that I couldn’t believe he was my father. When we went to the restaurant, we put our stuff down on a table first and then ordered after he did. When he got his food, he went and sat down at a different table. I said: aren’t you going to sit with us? He firmly declined in an angry tone. Our contact with him went pretty much downhill from there. Later that month when we ordered our Dyson vacuum, he started bitching about how we spent too much money etc. I ignored it even though I was furious he tried to interfere with our life and our financial decision. Then he started to bring in all kind of stuff, computer and his various toys into our house without our permission. Again I kept silence. He loved to eat peanuts in our room and make a mess. When I asked him to pick up after himself, he said: well why don’t you use that expensive vacuum you bought? Well, do I need to say more? You get the picture. I was raising an obnoxious son who I can’t yell at (well I could but I did not want to). Then for whatever reason, he decided not to answer me when I asked him questions about his court situation and always ignored answer my question as when his restringing order was lifted. I did not find out it was lifted until his friends called one time when he wasn’t home. When I asked why he wasn’t moving out even though his restringing order was lifted, he again refused to give me a valid explanation. He kept on living here for another week or so and then all of the sudden he just took all of his stuff and moved out. He left without a word. One day I just came home found all of his stuff and him gone.

About 3-4 months later, he gave me a call said he was going back to China for vacation. After that, I did not hear from him until last Wednesday afternoon at work. Believe or not I was actually happy to get his phone call, I thought maybe he missed me??! Oh no………. he called because he neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeded me again. The call started with the fake oh how are you doing blah blah then he went into the details of his continuous drama with my mom and how the restringing order was back and he needed to live with us again. If it was like last time, I would not have agreed but he guaranteed to move out on Jan 3rd, 2006 because he said he had applied for an apartment and had gotten the permission to move in on Jan 3rd, 2006. Sure I could just say: why don’t you live in a hotel? But I couldn’t even though I know he could afford it.

Last night he walked in the house with a folder and called me over to the door even though I was in the middle of eating my dinner. He said he has an appointment with his lawyer the next day and wanted me to translate his statement from Chinese to English. He demanded it to be done as soon as possible. Sure I was angry but I translated it without a complaint (Andy helped). I’m sure I did not look happy but why does he care?

So I will just attach the statement we translated for him here since it explains the story and demonstrates how my mom is her everyday life. And I’m not kidding when I say that’s how my mom is in her everyday life. Don’t be fooled by her superficial kindness.

To explain this statement, on the order of protection form my mom filed against him, for the line 10a, my mom wrote:
On 12/16/2005, he broke the garage door, I felt threatened.
And for 10b she wrote:
On 11/23/2005, he got angry and yelling, shook his fist at me. I thought he was going to hit me. I felt threatened.
*Yes that’s how descriptive the text was.*
I guess this is an official lawsuit now so my mom is the plaintiff and my dad is the defendant.
On Dec. 19th at 9:00pm Officer Zach — & Johnson County Sheriff Terry — issued a temporary protective order and asked the defendant to leave right away. Defendant took some clothes and drove away.

Defendant read the order of protection and in response to 10a: Defendant has not been able to park in his garage since he arrived home from his vacation in China on 11/21/05 because the plaintiff always had two cars in the garage. On 12/14/05 the defendant got home early and was able to park in the garage. 12/15/05 defendant attempted to open the garage door with the automatic opener and discovered the opener was operating but the door remained shut. Defendant assumed that the plaintiff sabotaged the door in spite of defendant parking in the garage. Since defendant was in a hurry to arrive to work on time, he physically lifted the garage door to exit.

In response to 10b: Defendant states the story is a complete fabrication. On 11/23/05 defendant states he was at work from 8:00am until 6:00pm and when he arrived home he worked on his computer for the rest of the night.

Defendant states on the evening of 11/22/05 plaintiff came to defendant’s bedroom and in anger began demanding defendant pay the water and electric bills for the entire household in full. Defendant argued that since plaintiff rents out 2 rooms in the basement and the sub-division to the home and collects all revenue from the rental which exceeds $1,000 per month. The income from rental should rightfully be applied to the utilities. After plaintiff heard defendant’s argument she became even more angered and went to the kitchen, removed the heating elements from the stove top and hid them, then unplugged the refrigerator so that the defendant would not be able to cook. From that point the defendant realized that reasoning with the plaintiff would not be an option. Thus defendant remained silent when around the plaintiff and ate out at dining establishments or utilized work facilities to prepare his meals.

On 12/01/05 defendant sought help from the University of Iowa Employee Assistance Program and spoke with Carol —, who recommended mediation. After speaking with Carol the defendant drove to the police station and spoke with Officer Zach — regarding the situation and requested the Officer be the mediator for the situation. The Officer declined stating that duty was outside of his jurisdiction. The Officer, though, did make mention that the plaintiff, by renting the areas of the house, was in violation of law and the Officer referred the defendant to the Department of Housing Inspection. Shortly after the defendant spoke with the representative at the Housing Inspections and described how the plaintiff was renting rooms of the house to multiple people, the Housing Inspectors sent the plaintiff a notice of violation.

On 12/16/05 upon the receiving the notice from the Housing Inspectors, the plaintiff became irate and began yelling profanities at the defendant. During this the defendant remained in his bedroom with the door locked and listened to music on his headset. Later that morning when the defendant left his bedroom to brush his teeth the plaintiff came to the bathroom where the door was open and punched the defendant with a downward fist strike on the upper middle of his back. The defendant called the police and the police wrote a report about the incident.

NOTES: On 08/28/05 the defendant filed a complaint against the plaintiff for a domestic dispute which was recorded in a police report.

Also in August, the defendant had agreed upon paying the electricity bills for the house. The plaintiff gave the defendant one bill stub to pay, and later that month gave him another. The defendant was confused as to why there were two bills for that month but in his wish to cooperate decided to pay both. Later the defendant discovered that he had been deceived and one of the bills was for a mobile home the plaintiff owns and is renting out.

The defendant wishes to call these character witnesses to his defense:

Guo — and Wu —
Some time in August, the defendant helped Guo Shi Ying and Wu Jiang Tao by fixing their leaking sink. When the two drove the defendant home, the plaintiff came out of the house, cussed and yelled at them and told them they could no longer ask the defendant for help.

Andrew Lilleg and Ying Zhang
Andrew Lilleg and Ying Zhang are the defendant’s son-in-law and daughter who know the plaintiff well and can elaborate on the plaintiff’s character.

Theresa —, the defendant’s supervisor is also willing to comment on the defendant’s character if called to the stand.

The defendant may provide the follow documents:
No contact order 1/14/2005
Complaint 1/13/2005
Order RE: Written Plea/Judgment and Sentence 7/29/2005
Defendant’s Statement (this document)

5 thoughts on “the never ending drama, predicament and grief with my parents

  1. Oh my gosh… I can’t believe this. It’s so troubling to read about your parents behavior :\ I’m glad that you have a good husband, though. Not someone like your father – he sounds so ungrateful and uncaring. I’ll pray for you and the situation. I wish you the best.

  2. I’m sorry to read this, but however… he’s your father… It’s our duty as a daughter to take care of our parents when we are grown up and they’re getting old. Otherwise, who’s gonna do that? Your neighbors? I guess not. Despite of how bad they treat you or even me in the past and present. We have to love our parents unconditionally.

    1. i completely disagree. if you can continue to love your parents even if they abuse you physically and emotionally and ruin your life, then good for you but i don’t have to do it. i fight for a happy life of my own to live. i don’t have to be responsible for their childish lives. i never asked to borned but once borned i reserve the rights to live the way i want.

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