personal

scared of being a mother

i want to thank those who commented on my new layout for regretless. i will be taking some of the suggestions and change it a bit. but not until i get home. weather has been so incredible, we can’t afford not going out for exercise coz good weather is so rare in iowa.

plugging commenters 🙂
catherine Daynah ecila eftalia Grace James jenn judy katie Lex Lilithia Miki Pat Sam Stacey

a personal problem has been bugging me. it’s hard to describe it in words.

yesterday at the picnic, andy’s boss jason (a father of three) asked us if we want to have kids. andy said of course he does. jason then turned to me. i’ve been avoiding this question for so long. i really didn’t know how to answer him. i mumbled: i don’t know. it’s too far away. he asked how old i am. i said 21. he said he had his first kid when he was 25 and he felt it was kinda late.

i know in my heart having kids is no longer far away. it’s natural for people to ask such a question when a couple has been together for a while. and i also know andy wants to be a father all his life. but sometimes i’m so scared to be a mother. i don’t know if “scared” is the right word. i just don’t know how to handle it. i’m not too sure why either. maybe because i came from an abusive family and i’m afraid to do the same to my children. i know i can’t possibly but i’m scared to think about it. it might also have something to do with the fact i once lost all hope in my future and have yet fully recovered from it. i’m so unsure. it’s not like i don’t like kids. i think they are so full of life and so lovely. i dream of teaching my kids different things. sometimes i even say it. and andy always acts so overjoyed whenever he hears that. but my reaction to his joy is usually nervousness.

i’m not ready. so not ready. and i can feel it. the worst is that i don’t know what will make me ready. many people think being a mother is natural for a girl and is her instinct. does that mean i’m abnormal? that makes me even more scared. if i’m abnormal, then how can i be a mother?

so that’s my problem. it almost sounds ridiculous or “yong1 ren2 zi4 rao3”.

16 thoughts on “scared of being a mother

  1. I know exactly how you feel sis. I know I want children one day… but right now, I’m not ready. It’s a huge responsibillity that I’m just not ready for right now. I don’t blame you for feeling that way. I like kids myself, but I can’t tolerate them for too long, because I get irritated. I don’t hold babies, or get all oogly around them. I avoid them. I’m also afraid that I’ll be abusive to my kids one day, and I don’t want that. I don’t want my future children to go through what I did when I was growing up. I don’t want to have kids until I’m near 30… that way I can be young and have fun. I’m pretty sure that in 8 years I’ll be ready to settle down and stuff. I mean, looking back when I was a teenager, I wasn’t thinking about the things I am now… so I’m sure it’ll be the same later on, you know? The only thing is, I don’t want to be 60 when my kids start high school. haha. =P *hugs*

  2. I think you should wait and decide when you want to have kids. Some people have kids as early as 13 and others get kids in their late 40’s. Just because having kinds at 25 was kinda late for your friend doesn’t mean it’s late for you as well. I don’t think that 25 is a good age anyway… at least not for me. I’ve always pictured people who have kids early as those without ambition. Not to mean that they don’t have dreams are jobs… just that their only dream is to have a family and sit at home and “be normal”. A lot of girls even think that their sole reason for existance is to have babies and I’m not like that. I can’t undrestand how some women want to have another and another and then another. I have big dreams, big dreams which children are not a part of. Picturing myself a housewife sitting at home all day or a working mother who has to rush to school to pick up her kids not only scares me, but disgusts me as well.

  3. 🙂 Dodo, *hugs* When the time comes it will be when YOU are ready, not when other people are ready for you. Andy is a great and supportive guy, I know he must understand how you feel. Give it a while, the right time is different for EVERYONE. My parents adopted my youngest brother when they where in their 40’s! Realize that when the time is right you will know it.

  4. hey! I don’t know you very well but I’m sure that you will be a great mom, when the time is right for you. your only 21, you still have like, 20 to 25 year left to have kids! i’m kinda in a different situation, I’m the same age, but i can’t wait to have kids, but there’s lots of time 🙂

  5. don’t worry about it! actually i think 25 is pretty young to have kids. i mean, some people are still in school at 25. and coming from an abusive family shouldn’t make you be afraid of parenting — it should be encouragement, because then you know how you want to treat your children and you’re more sensitive to their feelings.

  6. Just have kids when you’re ready, lah! But if you see it as not being so far away, then maybe it will help to start getting over your fear. It’s easy to stay scared, but that never solves the problem. It seems like your head is filled with “what if”, so why not write all those questions down (number them!) and look for ways to answer them? 🙂 Maybe the secret is as simple as taking some time to change the way you think, or get to know yourself a bit better. Don’t need to worry so much. If you have faith in yourself and in the Universe, then things will happen naturally when it is time. 🙂

  7. You’re not abnormal at all! You are not just ready yet 🙂 Don’t fret about it, you’re still young. It will just come. Probably when you are already fulfilled, at the right age, etc…

  8. Kids are a big step in life. Everyone takes life at their own pace, so don’t be scared to wait. One must be truly ready for the commitment. If Andy truly loves you, he will understand and wait for your sake. And who says every couple has to have children? If you choose the two of you can spend a life time alone together. Or when your ready, you can open your heart and have a family. 🙂
    Remember sweet Dodo the chocie is all yours and take your time.. there is no rush sweetie. 🙂

  9. Don’t worry about having children yet. There’s plenty of time. I actually think 21 is way to young to have a kid! I’m 21 too and I feel like I’m only just beginning to really live. People are having children so much older now like in their 40s!! There are so many options to go for!

  10. Don´t let anyone tell you Dodo when you have to have kids. Noone can decide when and if but you. You have so much time left. I have heard a short while ago that the age when people have their first kid has risen quite a bit, and it´s now by 28 years of age. I am sure you are going to be a very good Mom. Your big advantage is, that you know better than your Mom. Your Mom did what she knew to do at the time. You know better having gone through everyone you had to go through. That is the key Dodo, you know better. *massive and special hugs*

  11. Sis, I think you’d be a great mother!! You and Andy are both so intelligent… just imagine how smart your children will be. But have children when you’re ready…. there really is no rush. I’m almost 25…a nd I still think it’s too early. I want to wait a few more years…

    …and don’t have any kids until you move to cali. 😉 Then we can raise our kids together! My kids will play with yours. lol

  12. I have the same feeling. I found somebody amazing, we have been together for almost 4 years, but now he wants babies, at least he says in the next “2 coming years”; I am scared. I had to drop out my studies to work ( no money to keep going) and I really want to go back to school as soon as I have money. I can’t study, work, and be a mother at this age( 23) I just don’t feel ready. I need to finish school and at least travel. It may sound selfish, but how can you know when you are ready? at least when you finish those personal goals. Now, I have talked to people and they say that it is not fair for him to wait until I am done, that if I really love him, I should let him go since he wants to have babies now. I a just scare taht I won’t find anybody like him, and finish all this jsut because I don’t want to have babies. All I can say is that I understand you, and I wish you luck

  13. So, I was looking for things for a young mother to be that is having a rough time dealing with the fact that well, she’s going to be a mommy, and I ran into your post. I was just curious how do you feel about babies now and/or do you have any now?

  14. I stumbled across this blog by accident. I was Googling “scared of having children” to learn whatever I could, because I’m afraid of having children myself.

    Right now, I’m engaged to a man who wants to have children. Or at least, I think I still am. We had a very painful conversation a couple nights ago over dinner where I told him that I’m not sure if I actually want to have kids someday. After being pushed for better answers, I ran out of valid excuses and finally dropped the bomb that I was afraid of unintentionally becoming the kind of parent that my father was. He was abusive, and even though I would never plan on being an abusive parent, I fully realize that he didn’t start off that way, either. He didn’t want to be the kind of terrible parents that his were, either, but he got worse and worse over the years until my mother actually divorced him recently. I tried to explain it to my fiance, but he was insisting that he would never let me go down that road like my mother gradually let my father do by not standing up to him.

    When I was younger, I thought that a switch would flip in my head and I’d suddenly want kids, suddenly be ready, suddenly feel those missing maternal instincts go on autopilot. Some days I feel sure of myself, as if I’ve finally fixed myself and can vaguely imagine a far-off future where I’d be a mother. Most days I’m just the broken, warped girl-woman who cringes and laughs at the idea of trying to be a halfway decent parent. When I was a kid, imagining a decent family was so far from reality that it was like trying to imagine growing up in a different country. If I’ve never had a normal childhood, then how could I create one for someone else?

    Well, that was my two cents. I was just very surprised to see someone had written about a situation so similar to mine. I hope you’ve gotten some clarity since you first wrote this post. Best wishes!

  15. Hi,

    You guys aren’t alone, wow Jaime you voiced my exact thoughts – googling the net is exactly what I’ve just come online to do as I too am scared to have children and had a pretty unpleasant childhood. However I know that by being aware of my childhood situation and how it affected me that I am already ahead of the game in getting closer to (hopefully) getting that feeling of being ready to have kids. Still, that ‘broken warped girl-woman’ is me exactly – at 26 I still feel like a kid even though I married my partner of 7 years just last year, we have a mortgage and he’s keen for kids in the next 2 years – it still often feels like I’m just playing pretend sometimes 🙂 I think the challenge towards having children or feeling like having them is twofold: you need mental health support and need to be as communicative as possible to your partner about your fears AND get their support in return. Sometimes the biggest fear is worrying what your partner will think of you, isn’t it ‘natural’ for a woman to feel maternal for instance – no it’s not and clearly all of us are in the same boat when it comes to that, so there must be plenty of others out there who feel the same way and in some ways, that is reassuring that we aren’t alone. I’m seeing a counsellor at the moment to resolve these concerns, as some years ago I wanted at least one child before I turned 30 – I still feel that way but my worries (and getting closer to 30!) have not left – so I’m asking for professional support to work it out. Maybe you should consider it. All the very best in your journey, know you have support out there!!

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