i want to thank those who commented on my new layout for regretless. i will be taking some of the suggestions and change it a bit. but not until i get home. weather has been so incredible, we can’t afford not going out for exercise coz good weather is so rare in iowa.
a personal problem has been bugging me. it’s hard to describe it in words.
yesterday at the picnic, andy’s boss jason (a father of three) asked us if we want to have kids. andy said of course he does. jason then turned to me. i’ve been avoiding this question for so long. i really didn’t know how to answer him. i mumbled: i don’t know. it’s too far away. he asked how old i am. i said 21. he said he had his first kid when he was 25 and he felt it was kinda late.
i know in my heart having kids is no longer far away. it’s natural for people to ask such a question when a couple has been together for a while. and i also know andy wants to be a father all his life. but sometimes i’m so scared to be a mother. i don’t know if “scared” is the right word. i just don’t know how to handle it. i’m not too sure why either. maybe because i came from an abusive family and i’m afraid to do the same to my children. i know i can’t possibly but i’m scared to think about it. it might also have something to do with the fact i once lost all hope in my future and have yet fully recovered from it. i’m so unsure. it’s not like i don’t like kids. i think they are so full of life and so lovely. i dream of teaching my kids different things. sometimes i even say it. and andy always acts so overjoyed whenever he hears that. but my reaction to his joy is usually nervousness.
i’m not ready. so not ready. and i can feel it. the worst is that i don’t know what will make me ready. many people think being a mother is natural for a girl and is her instinct. does that mean i’m abnormal? that makes me even more scared. if i’m abnormal, then how can i be a mother?
so that’s my problem. it almost sounds ridiculous or “yong1 ren2 zi4 rao3”.